You Inquisitive Lot

Personal space is a widely non discussed term. It is non discussed, because it’s meant to be naturally understood. 

To give you an official explanation:

Personal space is the diameter of area around a person within which no one other than a boyfriend, a husband, a kid or an accident, should penetrate. Results of violating someone’s space can result in squeamish, highly uncomfortable behavior. 

I was one among those people who thought that only 1 among 100 people were unaware of this concept. So imagine my surprise, when I discovered the other side of reality. Many people have no clue that you are not supposed to stand 10 cm close to another person and then turn your head towards them (W-E-I-R-D-!). Or, when you are sitting in your cubicle, not to lean over another's head at a distance where they cannot breathe their portion of Oxygen, and rather have to intake your exhaled CO2 (LOL. Chemistry and all).

Well, that’s another topic altogether. Today, I am going to talk about a different type of violating someone’s personal space….Curiosity about the procreating abilities of a couple (Asking, ‘When are you having kids?’ to be on the clearer side ;))

Let me very clearly state, there is ONLY ONE person who actually has the right to ask that, that being your spouse. Period. The list ends there.

Like the other idea of personal space that I was sooo unaware of, I assumed that, everybody would have the common sense, to stay aloof from such a personal enquiry. Apparently not :D. 

Right from the time I was remotely aware of the process (let’s keep the blog post clean shall we? :P), which would be probably around 8^th or 9^th grade, I had always thought that, babies and the number of babies a family has, is their choice, and nobody should question as to why 1 or why 12? That opinion just grew stronger with age. At 24 now, with a much clearer perspective on life, I still think that some questions are very much off limits, or to dial down the strictness, let’s say: Sometimes, everyone should be given the chance to not answer a question, rather than prodding them until they give in. 

Let’s give a reality check to the people who do this, shall we:

• Extremely old people at the verge of memory loss( This may be due to their old customs and traditional beliefs of: Turn 18, Get Married, Start baby making, Continue baby making as far as your health supports…die.Whew!)
• People in the age range of 35-58(includes aunts, uncles, aunt’s father’s sister, grandma’s cousin’s uncle….)
• Parents inclusive of the in-laws, the immediate relatives( Well, this is forgiven in some cases)   
• Teenage kids!!! Say What! :O

One good thing is, we do not find it intimidating when a friend asks the question, but it’s not very often that they do. 

When teens start asking weird question, I personally have no clue what to say :D other than-‘ There’s more than enough time for all of it. Let God plan, and then we’ll see’. The point is: Why do kids ask such questions? Probably because we are being brought up in such an environment, where ‘get married, have kids’ is the norm. 

Well, if you still believe firmly in that concept, allow me to share a slightly different perspective:

I like to believe that, you need a very good mutual understanding and a happy environment, before you can bring a baby feet amongst you. It’s just human nature: You cannot keep someone else happy when you are breaking down inside. 
My previous post clearly mentions the time it takes for couples to build that bond. It varies from person to person. So, if someone decides, that they want to be sure of each other, before they try for a third person, I say- you go girl!(or guy! :P). It’s very important to know whether your spouse is the kind of parent you want for your child. Unfortunately, some people are not that lucky J, in which case, there is always a greater good involved.

Some couples may not really be gelling well with each other, and would have consciously made a decision to not have kids as of now. Your unwanted questioning will be burning holes in their heart. They are already in a big mess where they are terribly trying to get out of or solve the mystery, that is their marriage; your doubts and concerns regarding the almost non-existent future they have, will only make them drown in their misery. By the way, you are not God, that they ‘have to’ tell you everything!

After months of trying, knowing that there finally is an extra heartbeat in there, would be an amazing joy to feel. To know, the joy will never see the light of day, is a grief time will heal. Miscarriage, is a very hushed but very common phenomenon these days. Let me take this moment to pray for all you parents out there, who have lost their joy before it saw the world. Well, I have known this to be a fact: Miscarriages happen when the foetus is either not growing properly or will not be able to grow healthily, once born. So, be proud of the pain you went through and happy that your kid did not have to endure the physical difficulties he/ she would have had. Positive vibes always works wonders you know J

You probably realize what I’m hinting at- Do Not Ask A Couple Details of how, why, when and where they want kids, Stop giving them doctor’s contacts( without them asking you), Stop giving them tips(chances are, they know better than you)!

Why don’t you realize that, something as personal as the result of love and passion between 2 people –IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Ok, now let me go to the shady area where immediate relatives are involved. Well, in cases, where their daughter or son is depressed because of not having kids ( due to any reason. Now, don’t go asking why), parents can help a lot, not by nagging, but by consoling, or providing helpful suggestions. But, there should be a limit to the frequency of suggestions you give, say, max twice.

I don’t think any adult who intend to have a child will forget any suggestion they are given, so, you don’t really have to keep on bugging them about anything. See, with all due respect, give them space, they are adults, they do know what they want, your unwanted intrusions WILL cause riffs in their relationship. Hence, as Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, we should not intrude into a couple’s life, if it is about something that doesn’t concern us.

This Blog Action Day, Im raising my voice against this “norm”. are you with me?

Let’s stop prying into other’s private lives shall we?

By the way, Keep smiling. Positive energy every day, keeps unwanted creeps at bay ;)

Loadsa Love,

Farheen...