You Inquisitive Lot

Personal space is a widely non discussed term. It is non discussed, because it’s meant to be naturally understood. 

To give you an official explanation:

Personal space is the diameter of area around a person within which no one other than a boyfriend, a husband, a kid or an accident, should penetrate. Results of violating someone’s space can result in squeamish, highly uncomfortable behavior. 

I was one among those people who thought that only 1 among 100 people were unaware of this concept. So imagine my surprise, when I discovered the other side of reality. Many people have no clue that you are not supposed to stand 10 cm close to another person and then turn your head towards them (W-E-I-R-D-!). Or, when you are sitting in your cubicle, not to lean over another's head at a distance where they cannot breathe their portion of Oxygen, and rather have to intake your exhaled CO2 (LOL. Chemistry and all).

Well, that’s another topic altogether. Today, I am going to talk about a different type of violating someone’s personal space….Curiosity about the procreating abilities of a couple (Asking, ‘When are you having kids?’ to be on the clearer side ;))

Let me very clearly state, there is ONLY ONE person who actually has the right to ask that, that being your spouse. Period. The list ends there.

Like the other idea of personal space that I was sooo unaware of, I assumed that, everybody would have the common sense, to stay aloof from such a personal enquiry. Apparently not :D. 

Right from the time I was remotely aware of the process (let’s keep the blog post clean shall we? :P), which would be probably around 8^th or 9^th grade, I had always thought that, babies and the number of babies a family has, is their choice, and nobody should question as to why 1 or why 12? That opinion just grew stronger with age. At 24 now, with a much clearer perspective on life, I still think that some questions are very much off limits, or to dial down the strictness, let’s say: Sometimes, everyone should be given the chance to not answer a question, rather than prodding them until they give in. 

Let’s give a reality check to the people who do this, shall we:

• Extremely old people at the verge of memory loss( This may be due to their old customs and traditional beliefs of: Turn 18, Get Married, Start baby making, Continue baby making as far as your health supports…die.Whew!)
• People in the age range of 35-58(includes aunts, uncles, aunt’s father’s sister, grandma’s cousin’s uncle….)
• Parents inclusive of the in-laws, the immediate relatives( Well, this is forgiven in some cases)   
• Teenage kids!!! Say What! :O

One good thing is, we do not find it intimidating when a friend asks the question, but it’s not very often that they do. 

When teens start asking weird question, I personally have no clue what to say :D other than-‘ There’s more than enough time for all of it. Let God plan, and then we’ll see’. The point is: Why do kids ask such questions? Probably because we are being brought up in such an environment, where ‘get married, have kids’ is the norm. 

Well, if you still believe firmly in that concept, allow me to share a slightly different perspective:

I like to believe that, you need a very good mutual understanding and a happy environment, before you can bring a baby feet amongst you. It’s just human nature: You cannot keep someone else happy when you are breaking down inside. 
My previous post clearly mentions the time it takes for couples to build that bond. It varies from person to person. So, if someone decides, that they want to be sure of each other, before they try for a third person, I say- you go girl!(or guy! :P). It’s very important to know whether your spouse is the kind of parent you want for your child. Unfortunately, some people are not that lucky J, in which case, there is always a greater good involved.

Some couples may not really be gelling well with each other, and would have consciously made a decision to not have kids as of now. Your unwanted questioning will be burning holes in their heart. They are already in a big mess where they are terribly trying to get out of or solve the mystery, that is their marriage; your doubts and concerns regarding the almost non-existent future they have, will only make them drown in their misery. By the way, you are not God, that they ‘have to’ tell you everything!

After months of trying, knowing that there finally is an extra heartbeat in there, would be an amazing joy to feel. To know, the joy will never see the light of day, is a grief time will heal. Miscarriage, is a very hushed but very common phenomenon these days. Let me take this moment to pray for all you parents out there, who have lost their joy before it saw the world. Well, I have known this to be a fact: Miscarriages happen when the foetus is either not growing properly or will not be able to grow healthily, once born. So, be proud of the pain you went through and happy that your kid did not have to endure the physical difficulties he/ she would have had. Positive vibes always works wonders you know J

You probably realize what I’m hinting at- Do Not Ask A Couple Details of how, why, when and where they want kids, Stop giving them doctor’s contacts( without them asking you), Stop giving them tips(chances are, they know better than you)!

Why don’t you realize that, something as personal as the result of love and passion between 2 people –IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Ok, now let me go to the shady area where immediate relatives are involved. Well, in cases, where their daughter or son is depressed because of not having kids ( due to any reason. Now, don’t go asking why), parents can help a lot, not by nagging, but by consoling, or providing helpful suggestions. But, there should be a limit to the frequency of suggestions you give, say, max twice.

I don’t think any adult who intend to have a child will forget any suggestion they are given, so, you don’t really have to keep on bugging them about anything. See, with all due respect, give them space, they are adults, they do know what they want, your unwanted intrusions WILL cause riffs in their relationship. Hence, as Prophet Muhammad PBUH said, we should not intrude into a couple’s life, if it is about something that doesn’t concern us.

This Blog Action Day, Im raising my voice against this “norm”. are you with me?

Let’s stop prying into other’s private lives shall we?

By the way, Keep smiling. Positive energy every day, keeps unwanted creeps at bay ;)

Loadsa Love,

Farheen...

Why marriage is everyone's cup of tea...:)

Wedding season is on, and this time I have 3 of my closest relatives getting married. Sigh! makes me want to jump right on to a plane :D
The title speaks for itself today. Soooo, Do you think marriage is not for you? Let me rephrase it to a much more sensible question- Why do you think marriage is not for you? 

Some sort of fear creeps into people when they hear the word, 'marriage'. It seems as if its a roadblock to a normal life, when it is exactly these people, that are the one's who have been in a relationship, for a loooong time.
Well, I don't understand what the difference is, actually. Isn't it exactly the same as living together? No? There is no particular reason why a piece of paper(the marriage contract) should make anybody feel queasy. Haven't you already made a commitment in your mind? I'm guessing so.
:D I can give you a million reasons why marriage is good for you but you are going to remain unconvinced, in case you are one among those-->'Commitment Phobics;)'

Well, anyways, let me slightly slide offtrack and let you- yes, YOU- the one's who have actually built up the courage to get married, know, what to expect, and 3/4th of the times, what actually happens, when you get hitched..

First of all, its an amazing feeling to know, that, this one person will always be yours, from the day on forth. All you brides to be are having fantasies of unicorns and cotton candies eh???
Well, its going to be just that:)
Lets browse through...

Phase 1: The Dreamy Sweetpie.

In Indian and Muslim cultures, we have this custom of-'Girl sees guy', which is usually done to make sure, that they do have something in common, and that one finds the other, attractive. Once we get the OK from both sides, there is a small gap of time where you are stunned at yourself :D, the ''OMG!! Me and getting married!!!:O'', reaction.
After the slow awkward start of  whatsapping your partner, you gradually try and find some common ground. You start being concious of how you look, what he/she might like on you, try taking pics at angles which are sure to make his/her heart beat away...(:D, yep! I've done that one. Skilled Photography, you know;))

You try to talk about your day, find things to make your conversations interesting, do things to make him/her smile. Oh! and by the way, the most important of it all, day dream... of what life will be like(oh yea! this time around, nobody sees the thorns under the roses *winik*wink*)
You, without a choice, become, the dreamy sweetpie.

Phase II: The Wedding Mania

The one day, you want everything to be perfect. Your dress, the venue, your makeup, the food, the music... just everything. 
Most probably, the day of your wedding, when you are legally bound to your spouse, talking to them in front of all those watchful eyes, is going to be sweetly awkward. Although you might counter saying,''Shy? and me? No way!", I just think that's your defense mechanism.
And well hey, its nice to experience that shyness at least once :D.
The wedding, hopefully will glide by smoothly, leaving everyone happy and smiley and not to forget- dead tired.
You might not expect it, but guess what- you probably will be sleeping like a log the next day...because you were standing , smiling and greeting everyone the whole day. duh!(what did you guys think eh??...you gutterheads :D) Well yea, point to be clearly stated, however romantic you might have pictured it to be, the first night is going to be awkward anyway, with both of you not being able to understand where your personal spaces end, which will probably pave ways for a lot of laughs and conversations.

Phase III: The Anniversaries

This includes weekly, half yearly and yearly anniversaries. Since all of it is going to be for the first time, there will always be something very special about it.
Time flies my friend, you'll notice that for sure, and a lot of things along with that. You will now slowly realize that you cannot make your spouse the exact version of your dreams, especially when it is concerned with his or her habits. :D. Well during this phase he/she is going to ''try'' and do things your way. You will learn a lot about each other's lives and your family chemistry. 
It is during this phase that you build the amazing bond of protectiveness, where anybody but you, have the right to say anything about your spouse. You do not like anybody commenting about your spouse's any particular behavior, when actually, you might have said the same thing in the first place. Yea, the possessiveness, exactly.
You probably might have gone through a first fight, during the first year. The pain you go through the first time both of you find, that, sometimes, as humans, you guys cant understand each other as well as you thought you could. Well, actually, both of you will hurt equally and you wouldn't want to feel that pain. Both of you would want to make up and be ready to understand the other's concerns, which is what usually happens[unless you are that stubborn]. The little fights and sadness will bring you guys closer though.

Phase IV: The Rest Of Your Life

This is by far, the most exciting of all the phases. Don't believe me? Well, you have to look at it through my eyes :).
You have been cut and paste, with the God-given piece of your life. So, instead of whining about all the things you had to let go, you should start to count your blessings in disguise.
Marriage, my dear, is a continuous learning process. It teaches you a lot of good things. First up,

• Patience...:D Yea, you do need tonnes of that to smoothly float in this ocean.
• Anger Management: You'll slowly realize that letting go of some stuff for a few hours and not reacting to it  right away, is a foolproof formula, for the one who did the mistake, to regret and realize what they had done.
• Care: Gradually, it will come naturally to every spouse.
• Understanding: This, takes time to build. And by time, I mean, Years. Time coupled with unconditional love=gooood understanding.
• That nothing is free: Contrary to popular belief, love is not enough. You need a lot of effort to keep a marriage going. Do fun stuff, cook new food, walk over the waves, sit and enjoy some alone time....(and the list goes on. This you can figure out for yourself.)

There! You have it, newbies. Don't be scared of the relationship you are going to be in, instead, embrace it with love and modesty. There are no hard and fast rules as to what works- it's all a personalised bowl of emotions and interests.

The only thing you need to know is, be patient enough to understand each other, maybe your way is not the right way at all, and his is :D(I meant to say, sometimes follow his rules, woman:P).

Let me go and check the itinerary for the flight that I din't book, to go for the wedding that is already over:(...... On the other hand, let me stop crying and go irritate my husband *wink*(best time pass ever!!)


Loadsa love,
Farheen :)


Feel free to comment :) Always looking forward to knowing what you think.

****Technology, you strange li’l thing****

Disclaimer: In no way am I against technology, I’m just not into all of its hype and misuse ;)

Some 6-8 years back, I remember writing an essay for a school competition on how technology has changed our lives, for the better. I’m back again at the same topic, but this time around, I’ld like to talk about how it has actually ‘become’ our 24 hour companion or rather, an intruder.

Recently a few set of artwork has been circling around featuring a couple and their addiction to their smart phones. Bravo, to the artist for coming up with such an original representation.

It is very visible how too much of app generated self love hype has affected every relationship in the world. Take for example,

• An infant and the mom : Too much texting, instagraming, facebooking…all takes up that beautiful bond you should have created with your kid. Yet again, not all are like that, but the breed is growing.
  
• The teen kid and his/her parents: Hehe, this is funny. I remember being slightly defensive at that age(who isn’t?) We do think we know everything because we assume to be from a generation of instant google sought, verified information, when actually all the life hacks could be easily understood by observing and communicating (face to face) with our parents. It’s actually sad to see kids falling into this trap, becoming ‘turnaround chair’ potatoes, addicted to youtube and facebook.
  
• The friendship : This to me is the strangest, I can understand, the other two, but how can any social network be greater than spending time with your friends. Now you might think, I am exaggerating, but hey, just rewind for yourself, how many times has it happened, that, you have planned a meetup, and finally ended up whatsapping ‘other’ people right after 30 mins. This may not be you, but I am pretty sure you have come across many who have done that. You meet up to talk or gossip :D for that matter, having a green coloured whatsapp bubble in between doesn’t help it. If you want to send Photos of your meetup, do it after you leave. It is very disrespectful to be sitiing and numbing your fingers on your phones when actually the plan was imagined to be an escape from all this hustle.
  
• The most strained relationship of all, The couple : How I wish things would be like ooooold times, you come back home from work, sit on the porch and drink tea/ coffee/ any beverage of your choice and just talk about your day. ‘Had such a bad day, feeling tired’- this is the FB status you can expect nowadays. If you are married/ going to be married/ in a relationship, be it male/female, if you are in the habit of updating your every move, every emotion- my dear, you have a serious issue that needs to be cut right from the root. It’s very important to know, all the 350 friends on your list or the 120 subscribers you have, actually wouldn’t care even a pinch as much as your partner. So, instead of venting it out on a platform, talk to that human being made for you, it will for sure, just boost your energy.
  

Another trait is, your husband/ wife is talking to you and your eyes are on your laptop/tab/phone/ any of those things that they make today. This is plain disrespectful, to anybody, please people, stop doing that.

Actually, the problem comes only when there is a lack of communication. It’s ok, to want to divert your mind from work stress, and I agree that the internet helps a lot. But, you need to get your priorities right, mate. Have a proper conversation about your day, about what happened, what went wrong/ right, be excited for the other’s story, and after all that, go ahead and you tube, facebook or whatsapp away. When this happens in the wrong order is when hell breaks loose ;)

Well basically, we can’t completely get rid of the changing lifestyle, it has actually incorporated itself in us. How we go about using the resources we are given defines a lot in our lives. We do underestimate a lot of things: especially when our parents avoid us from using the internet too much if it’s not for a project, when a 2 yr old is happy with a smart phone than his toys (ok, why do we do that! Give the kid his tiny tot years back, do not bring your phone to him, to make your work easier), when your spouse excitingly tells you something and your reaction is a plain nod, when the urge to be always up and going on social networks disrupts your everyday life…

Ok whoa whoa! Don’t judge me, wait a sec. I am not by any means saying we should go back to stone age and have no facilities at all. An age old saying goes: ‘A coin has two sides’. For sure, the internet and its sites have given us information, marketing ideas, DIYs, cooking lessons and what not, beyond belief. Just be sure that your hunger for information doesn’t transform itself into an addiction.

       With loads of love and smiles, leaving you with a positive message, until next time,

Ciao!

Feel free to comment :) Always looking forward to knowing what you think.

Why 'YOU' are not the centre of the universe!!!

Such a fairly graphic title. Isn't it? Imagine yourself- a bright and shiny, round ball of fire, being surrounded by things that remain in awe of you, always...(wow, what a beautiful thought:)).
Being bright and shiny is ok, but the part about being a round ball, nope...I don't think any of you aspire to be that :P

Jokes apart, we live among some really nice people, some who genuinely care for us, love us and want all good things for us; and then comes the other lot- who seem to be so into you, but are secretly dynamites waiting to explode. You don't relate to it? Well let me give you a day to day visual.
Sunday morning(because sunday is a working day in the UAE), you get up lazily not wanting to go to work at all, but you have to anyway. Dressed up, looking all, "table full of work- HERE I COME", you reach your office in a good mood, finish off almost half your work, then comes along Mr./Ms. 'ME'. To give you a little insight: suppose, you had a small riff with this person, and it wasn't your fault at all. Apologizing didn't make any sense and being courteous came naturally to you, so, you go ahead and say, "hi". What do you get in return- an ice cold stare followed by a dead "hi".
I could bet this sooo happens in the girl world. If you guys experience this too, well, this probably might be a global phenomena.

Let me tell you one thing, people are only as important as you want them to be. Things happen in life, people make mistakes. After all, we are all humans. We only learn via trial and error. Its always best to forgive and forget... We really don't have to be such an ego-eater. Personally, I like to think that I don't know how to give the cold shoulder to someone, and I feel lucky that I have never got a chance to learn that.

Do you really want to be liked by others? then do this:
* Give them the same chances you would give yourself.
* Its stupid of us to expect that we would all react the same way. If you do know their soft spots, just don't hit it, however upset you may be.
* Have a problem? Just clear your brain, heart, emotions and ego for a minimum of 30 secs. Think straight, don't just start with your tongue-lash.
* If you've been trying to resolve things and nothing has been working, well, give it a rest, move on with your life, and be your courteous self to that one person:)
                                   

Who doesn't hope for a perfect life, eh? Well, when everything goes all sweet and smiley, where's the fun, right?

Some people are more important to you than others, say, friends and family more than colleagues. Naturally people close to you tend to hurt you more, when it actually should be otherwise.

Alhamdulillah, I'm blessed with family and friends who understand my reactions and who knows that my jokes are just 'jokes' and not arrowheads meant to pierce someone's feelings.

There are some stuff we should all be very clear about when it comes to handling sensitive family or friend related issues.

* Don't forget these are people you love, and people who will always love you.
* Your small problems are not part of world war III, you don't need an army to defend you.
* Have a clear conscience. Don't always believe you are right. Maybe, you are wrong.
* Be careful about what you say and all the more, how you say it.
* Relationships are a  bucketful of emotions, understand the spur might have been, only because of some emotional needs not being met (this especially happens with parents :) )
* You are not the boss, so, just cool off and try to see the other person's perspective.
* You can always explain things in a nice way.
* Limit your discussions to the people involved, do not broadcast it.
* Please stop feeling so important :D, not that you are not important, you will always be, to those who care for you, if you go about asking for it- you probably have lost your vision of memories.
* Oh! and finally, stop watching sick crappy Indian soaps that exaggerate everything.

All people have problems, my dear friend:) Most of it is because of various other situations. Shouldn't we try to understand that and make amends?
Don't you want to be happy?? Not the ' showing off- I have the best life' happy, but the 'Thank God! there's lot of love and care surrounding me, what more can I ask for?' happy.
Start remembering your gut feeling-Someone with a not so tainted conscience will instantly get a neuron reaction to differentiate between right and wrong- the only problem being, the way they acknowledge it.

Want a quick solution to a smile:
- Realize that you might not always be right.
- Sometimes silence is better than any argument.
- Take a step forward and resolve issues.
- Recognize the third parties who will almost always be jealous of your happiness, and steer clear of them.

Pointless arguments never made anyone happy. C'mon people, life is too short to ruin it.

Love as much as you can, bring a smile on everyone's face, strive towards an exemplary behavior.

You disagree with something, let it be, it's not worth arguing with those who'll never understand.
And, if you're the one being Stuck uP:

"HEY, you are NOT the centre of the UNIVERSE:)"

Destress and live happily:)